On a whim, I just bought a triathlon wetsuit, dirt cheap, off of eBay.
I live in Cancun so the likelihood of me using a wetsuit here would be unlikely. But seeing as that triathlons are a part of my life now, I can see myself doing one in a colder city.
Hence, a very good purchase.
Like a little kid on Christmas Day, I took my box into my room and proceed to put out the suit.
The box is literally a pizza box with the very cool logo of 2XU (my wetsuit's manufacturer) on the front. I was skeptical that the suit would fit in the box and dreaded that there was no way I could have bought a $300 USD suit for $50 and worried that the box would arrive with only a photo of my wetsuit, nothing more.
There was a photo on my invoice as well as the product. I pulled it out and looked at it.
"My," I thought. "It's rather long."
There's nothing to it, I thought. I stood and pushed my left foot through the pant sleeve.
The next 20 minutes can only be described as me being stupidly tortured. As I pulled my leg through, I realized that wetsuits do not function like normal pants. They do not slide up and they got stuck...around my calf. A new one for me seeing as that I have a rather large ass and in my case, the pants that do not fit me normally do not make it past my thighs and hips and not my calves! I carefully pulled at the neoprene, hoping that I don't tear them on the first day of having them. I tugged, pulled, smoothed and did it all over again.
By now, I felt hot and I did not know if it was from the actual heat of the evening or if this tugging and pulling business was making me break out into a sweat. All the while, trying to beat down the encroaching thought that I did not know how to put on a wetsuit.
Never in my life had I had such problems trying to put on an article of clothing.
By the time I got it to my waist, the pant legs were no where near well fitted and my crotch reached as far as three inches away from it was supposed to be. Gingerly, I pulled the suit front up to me and slid my arms through.
I was thankful that I didn't buy a sleeved version.
After more pulling and tugging, I was able to pull the zipper up my back. I felt like I had just run a 400 meter sprint, there was so much exertion involved.
I stepped in front of the mirror. My crotch was still not aligned with my torso, giving me a bagginess that was reminiscent of my diaper days. My ankles and left knee were still a little bunched up and tight from just the sheer impossibility of pulling the suit further up my leg.
From the waist up, however, I didn't look too bad.
I looked almost badass.
Pulling off the suit was nearly as hard as getting it on. I took care not to fall on my head as I pulled. By the time it was off, my wetsuit was completely drenched in sweat.
I'm definitely going to need more practice.
Maybe I'll go out and buy something easier to practice with, like patent leather pants.